Existential Terror

It was during the Million people March in Luneta  when many filipinos tremble to defiance against corruption that is there staring for decades, that I decided my own fate. I defy myself with my own ways. I said to myself that that nobody will understand you so better leave the control of the world to sane people because I myself is unsure with my own destiny and I do not want to mangle my search of myself by participating in shaping and reshaping our collective destiny which is futile on the first place because we are the same ungodly fans who elected unholy swine into office. I leave it with sane people and I asked to my Lord to spare me and let me search on the silent gallows of hundreds and thousands of featureless faces of people of who really I am.

It was a gloomy afternoon and the same weather expresses the same feeling- I hate it as much as I love it. I want to dive into that great void, I want to swim and drown myself to blood, I want to be forgotten. The enormous feeling of nothing to do and having no destination is like the feeling of being fry into the great radiation of the cosmic sun, the despair is creeping to my veins, I felt the heaviness of the world on my shoulder, I can smell the stink of rotten flesh and I cannot see any beauty to anyone and anybody. It was a demon in me but I’m too weak and fragile for him.

So I went to this retirement house in Quezon city to vent and to share my anguish. I arrived there before sunset and delivered myself to the church, pretended that I uttered a prayer but it was just a pure silence that I clenched to my tongue.

I kneeled and say to the Lord, Where are you? Do you listen? Why can’t I feel you?
There are so many thing that I want to say to the Lord but I cannot puke a single word, I can feel it in my throat. My muscles tremble, my skin shrinks with shame and confusion to Him because  I’m a nobody producing a tremor and eventually destruction of my faith and myself.

The next thing I know I was walking- looking at the trees that yawn at me- I was going to enter to a building and as I opened the glass door, a man in his 50s was reading a newspaper and asked me to what pleasure I was there. I looked at the telephone and I remembered my mother. She always phone me when she’s out to check me. True that those little affection never loses its radiance compared to big ones. It was just a split of seconds though- And I said to the man that I am looking for Fr.Villegas. He asked why Am I looking for him, I said I brought him something. I never want to share my intention or feelings to anybody because I Am doomed not to be understood. Or I guess doomed to be alone. Nobody knows me. I am just a part of the deluge and trapped into a small infinite whirlpool.

He stood and went to ask Fr. Villegas if he is available. I stayed standing and looking to the fishes on the aquarium. As much as I want to ask them who is God, does they know the purpose of their life? What are there guesses after their death? There mussings? Are they presupposed? How about ideas on loving? Anger? Pain? Sacrifices? But they seems irrelevant to this universe.

It doesn’t matter to them if you kill them because they are not bounded with leashes of problems, responsibilities and morality of this world. Fishes on the aquarium enjoys more freedom than people on Earth because you can do whatever you do to them but it doesn’t matter to them anyway- as long as they swim and burp. Sometimes I want to be a fish on the aquarium that stares to my master every time he arrives from work and will laugh at him because he is broke and burnout of living and proving his worth to bunch of worthless people.

Maybe I am quite rebellious, deranged, and damned but I am one of the lucky unlucky people out there to meet a man with wisdom. I think destiny delivered me to SVD Retirement house for the retired priests so I can vent and seek confinement to my weariness and to eject my existential anguish with life. Since then I keep on coming back to learn and relearn lessons from others- from life that was lived, enjoying the last moments, memories and the passing of time of a dying priest. By that I delivered myself higher but never reaches clouds and great skies just enough to escape the hellish pressures and deadlines, grades, and constant fall down there.

That afternoon with Fr. Villegas is one of the most personal and the most heartfelt. It is confessing my underpinnings of why do I have to live life. I told him that my life bores me, that everything I do is either sorrow or failure, the smiles and laughter I shown to people are fake, everything is turning faces against me, and here I am caught and trapped with the same trapeze of intensely boring life that is burning it’s guts to me.

I am trapped.

He said directly to me, eye to eye that I’m 18 and I have no God. Time momentarily stops as well the clinches of my heartbeats. Yes.

This is exactly the feeling of losing God and the personal connection to Him that I become god to myself. I become selfish and envious, angry and arrogant, unhappy and suicidal. When I’m alone, I can feel that the greatest part of me glitching- part of them is the capability of loving and being selfless by thinking others. This loneliness and pessimism is taking its toll. My incapability to love and to be selfless is raging, tempered into the silence of the high apix of my heart.

Searching God is one of the greatest challenge to anyone. Some say that they found God but they did really found Him but only stability of themselves- because they are better off and no great amount of problems and sufferings so they can easily say that they found God because they’re okay. The other say that God is with them, they can feel Him. Talking to Them. Some is not really feeling God but only faking the sensation or convincing themselves that indeed the sensibility is God. I hope God will touch me in a very personal way that when He do, I will openly forget everything.

I told Fr. Villegas that I am in search of God- a dire utterance and a courageous act to step out to this world derange with too much madness and complexity- towards God.

After we talked I left-  stayed at the cemetery until dark and finally go home after being tired of mosquitoes feasting over me.