Numbed

It is the first day of December and nothing is unusual with my life.  It is just the same day with the same people around me with the same view outside. Chaotic. I hate to say this but Philippines is a chaotic country or maybe I’am just being bias to say this because after all, it is how a person lives his life. This is my life and it so happen that my life sometimes bores me.

There are times that boredom feels you. It is like an angel waiting somewhere at the distance to touch you and eventually poses you! From your body, your organs up to your energy and resources and ultimately your soul. Then he will own you like his pet.  Life will be going to nowhere and you will be sucked into depression. Your palette will never taste the same taste of food that you enjoyed before. Your nose will never smell the fragrance of flowers, and your eyes will fail to see the splendor of colors around you. Your ears will make you believe to an illusion that no one is listening to you. Indeed, Depression paralyzes the body.

It was a late afternoon shortly before gloom when boredom stroked me. The first feeling is emptiness. I felt the emptiness and worthlessness,I was  like a piece of furniture without value. The great music of the world, everything is just nothing. All around me has no meaning and even my life has nothing but a life which lives longer after my death. I felt nothing. I was really Numbed. Then my veins and my mind, emptied but doing something to fight against this power, so mighty that slowly kills my vigor.  I lost connection and everything around lost their luster before my eyes.

I should not be under this inner conflict happening inside me, after all the beauty of the world is just waiting for me. What saddens me is the feeling that I will be forever here in my place. I am chained and that is the most frightful things to happen, when I die, chained.  There is some sort of “freedom” in me that wants to let go. I have to. I need it and yes I have to let go with it. The problem is thinking the problem and allows the thoughts restlessly runs in my head. It was a quiet afternoon but inside me is a war against myself. The hardest thing in the world to deal with is the revolution within- the conflict inside. The running thoughts of uselessness and the feeling that nobody listens makes it harder to bear.

This afternoon is the same afternoon yesterday, last month or last year. Nothing unusual and like Christmas, depression which makes me numb is just around the corner.